You know, I’ve always wanted to be like the pretty girls. Thin, petite, beautiful… the whole works. I wanted to feel like I fit into today’s societal norms. I have never been a small girl. Even as a kid, I grew up with a little extra always weighing on me. I was always made fun of for being “fat” in school. Once I started having problems finding clothes in all the mainstream stores, it became apparent that I was different. I wasn’t like my friends who were sizes 2 and 4 and could easily wear any medium shirt you handed them. I had to get an extra large to be comfortable and I hated the feeling of not being able to get something because they didn’t carry it in my size. Now, being a size 24, I feel like a complete failure.
I feel like I have failed myself and my body. The body that I was blessed with is now a symbol of my doubt in my abilities and of the lack of effort I’ve put into my health. Yes, I have a lot of factors working against myself but I don’t exactly eat and perform how I should in order to be at a healthy weight for myself. I should be around 130 pounds for someone my age and height. Being over twice that is something I never thought I’d ever be dealing with.
Most days, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I feel disgusted with the horror that I have created. Between giving in to my addiction of food, depression, and lack of self-control, I have never given my body the treatment it deserves. There are times when I try to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and maintain a healthy lifestyle… but then I get discouraged by the tiniest thing and I’m right back at step one.
I had a realization this weekend that hit me hard. I realized that I have hit my all time low. I am so far in depression that I cannot pick myself up to even work towards a happier life. I need a push. Looking in the mirror and trying to shop for clothes this weekend was that push. As I looked through the plus size sections of Charlotte Russe and Forever 21, I saw how skewed our society is towards thin women.
I believe all bodies are beautiful. Whether you’re a size 2 or 22, you are beautiful and special in your own unique ways. However, I also believe in living a healthy lifestyle, no matter what that means for the number on the scale. Looking at the selections given in the “Plus” sections of these mainstream stores shows the lack of accommodations made for big girls. They provide the same clothes in the same styles, with no work towards a better fit or more appropriate materials for the body type they are targeting. They simply recreate the same tight-fitting, little black dress and expect it to work for every body type that comes in. To me, that just creates more depression and self-esteem issues among the plus size community.
Yes, many of us want to lose weight to not only be healthy but feel healthy but shouldn’t our society accept us as we are in all of our forms, good or bad? This is something that often baffles me when I think about the world today. That no matter how many times by family and friends tell me that I’m beautiful, I can look online or in a magazine and see that I am not beautiful to the majority of our world.
Plain and simple, it hurts and I want to feel like I’m a part of my world. Maybe being thin isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know all women and men have self-esteem and body image issues that they fight separately every day. I have never doubted that, but looking at our world makes me wonder if, even with all the body positive and #TheseCurves campaigns and movements, will the world ever acknowledge a fat girl in a thin world?
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