I’m so lost without you.
This is exactly how I am feeling. It’s been eight months, two weeks, and one day since I last saw you. This emotional rollercoaster of mine is about to derail. I just keep seeing her beautiful face and remembering her comforting voice. It feels so good and so terrifying all at the same time, like the adrenaline you get from going up on that rollercoaster.
After one month, I didn’t know if I’d ever be okay. My world was spiraling and I still tried to pick up my phone to text and call her whenever I needed her. My family would ask if I was okay and I’d just give a fake smile and say, “I’m trying to be.” I can’t express how hard it is to feel this distant from those that I love the move.
After three months, it was her birthday. It was the Christmas celebration without her. It was starting a new year soon, knowing that I would never get to wish her a Happy New Year ever again. I could only hope she was three margaritas deep in afterlife paradise and telling me to, “Smile, baby girl.”
After six months, I felt like maybe it would get easier. I was still depressed and worried and crying a lot, but I didn’t wake up every morning feeling as though it was a bad dream. Realizing it wasn’t just a dream was probably the worst way to deal with the pain. I wanted to forget. I wanted to heal. I wanted her to come back and be by my side. We all know that isn’t possible.
Now, heading towards the ninth month, I don’t know that I feel any better. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t control my own emotions. I never had a handle on them but now it’s just out of control. I try to wake up from this nightmare and I keep getting reminded that it is reality. This is my reality. Without her.
I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay again. They say that there is sacredness in tears. I don’t know how to feel about this. Crying has always made me feel weak, but it’s supposed to make me strong. My tears are supposed to speak, but I hear no words. Tears show that there was once happiness, but I have to wonder… will I ever find that happiness again?
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