Life Update | Anxiety, Depression, & Student Teaching

life update

life update

It’s been awhile since I’ve just sat down and talked to you guys so I thought I’d do a little life update in the midst of all our regularly scheduled programming. So, as most of you know, my major is basically everything to me this past Friday, I had my first day of student teaching. This brought a whirlwind of emotions into my head. Although the day went well and I truly feel that I am going to enjoy this placement as well as my others later in the semester, I am still doubting myself in so many ways. I am a long-time sufferer of anxiety and depression. I have been battling my mental health for as long as I can remember. There have been days that I hardly check my phone and I just sleep the day away because I am so mentally exhausted.

My job is a very socially interactive deal and it takes a lot out of me every shift in order to stay happy, smiling, and provide, in relation to my opinions, the best customer service. It’s weird to actually say to someone, but I really am a very positive and generally happy person. When my anxiety and depression subside, I feel like my best self. I can talk to people all day, I am so confident in my abilities, and I feel like others see my true self. Here lately, those days have been few and far between.

I don’t know if it’s the things that are lingering in my mind or just an overall emotional breakdown, but I am just having a hard time pushing myself to get out of bed every morning. I constantly feel like someone is judging me, talking badly about me, or just trying to hurt me, when I know this isn’t the case. It’s even harder to deal with because these were all things that I confided to my mom about. If you have been around for awhile, you know my mom passed away last September and we are coming up on the one year mark. I honestly think this has the majority to do with my issues here lately.

Although I have some extremely supportive figures in my life, one in particular, that are always there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, I am constantly feeling as though I am a burden. In the back of my mind, I know that this is not true. I know that I am worth more than I think. I know that people care about me. I know that I have people I can talk to, but I still have problems battling that inner voice that tells me, “No, you’re not good enough. No one cares that you’re depressed. No one wants to hear your complaining. No. One. Cares.

In regards to student teaching, I am hoping that, over time, I will have enough confidence in my placements to work past these mental health battles that I am having. The classroom has always been where I am the happiest and where I feel that I shine the most. I love my career choice and wouldn’t change my path for anything in the world, but having my mind makes some days more difficult than others. It is times like these when I go to positive blog posts, quotes, and try my best (sometimes unsuccessfully) to reach out to those who I know will be there.

Here’s a quote that really speaks to me:

She was powerful, not because she wasn’t scared, but because she went on so strongly, despite the fear. – Atticus

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May: Ireland, Birthday, & Life

may recap

I swear I am going to get back into blogging regularly. There has just been so much going on in my life and I can’t believe that it’s already June! It feels like 2017 just started yesterday. My life has been a whirlwind of ups, downs, and turnarounds for months now. May was no exception to this. So much happened during this month! I traveled outside of the country and rode on a plane for the first time, I had my 22nd birthday while IN Ireland, and I’ve had a rollercoaster of emotions going through my head as the month has carried out.

may recap

Ireland: Let me just tell you… if you’ve never been to Ireland, go… right now. Go on online, buy your ticket, and go spend a holiday there. I cannot tell you how amazing this experience was for me. I had so many new things that I got to experience from visiting historical sites to going to pubs to having some fab gelato. I would not trade any of these memories for anything. I also want to to thank my family and friends for all they did to help me prepare for that trip and for wishing me luck and safe travels during my journies. I traveled to Belfast, Galway, Cork, and Dublin while I was there. I will have an entire blog post dedicated to this trip here soon… once I sort through my thousands of pictures.

Birthday: While I was in Ireland, I celebrated my 22nd birthday! Although there was no cake or balloons, just the experience of turning 22 in another country was enough to make it an amazing birthday. Although 22 isn’t an “exciting” birthday for most people, I am determined to make this year my best yet. I am so excited for all the things that my future has in store; I am going on a paranormal overnight tour of Waverly Hills Sanatorium this month, I start student teaching in August, and my pup turns one in November! There is so much to look forward to.

Life: As you may have noticed in my intro, I have had some ups and downs on the emotional front. I have hit some pretty low lows and had hardly any highs at all (no pun intended). Ever since my mom passed away, it feels as if life is not as exciting. Ireland was a huge highlight and has truly uplifted my spirits in many ways. At first, her passing made me realize how precious life is and how important family and friends are, but after awhile, I just kept falling deeper into a depression that I cannot explain. After hitting myself in the head a few times for these awful thoughts, I have now rehashed those feelings of a bright life and bright future. I just hope I can keep on this path of positivity throughout these next few months.

I’d love to hear how you all’s May went. I mean, it had to be brilliant because you all are amazingly fantastic individuals who deserve everything you desire out of life, but who knows… you may have gotten an iguana while I was away! Let me know in the comments below, I miss you all. ❤️

P.S. How come no one told me how amazing tea in the morning is? #justirishthings #actuallyithinkitsaeuropeanthing

xo Kimberly Signature

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A fat girl living in a thin world

a fat girl living in a thin world

a fat girl living in a thin world

You know, I’ve always wanted to be like the pretty girls. Thin, petite, beautiful… the whole works. I wanted to feel like I fit into today’s societal norms. I have never been a small girl. Even as a kid, I grew up with a little extra always weighing on me. I was always made fun of for being “fat” in school. Once I started having problems finding clothes in all the mainstream stores, it became apparent that I was different. I wasn’t like my friends who were sizes 2 and 4 and could easily wear any medium shirt you handed them. I had to get an extra large to be comfortable and I hated the feeling of not being able to get something because they didn’t carry it in my size. Now, being a size 24, I feel like a complete failure.

I feel like I have failed myself and my body. The body that I was blessed with is now a symbol of my doubt in my abilities and of the lack of effort I’ve put into my health. Yes, I have a lot of factors working against myself but I don’t exactly eat and perform how I should in order to be at a healthy weight for myself. I should be around 130 pounds for someone my age and height. Being over twice that is something I never thought I’d ever be dealing with.

Most days, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I feel disgusted with the horror that I have created. Between giving in to my addiction of food, depression, and lack of self-control, I have never given my body the treatment it deserves. There are times when I try to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and maintain a healthy lifestyle… but then I get discouraged by the tiniest thing and I’m right back at step one.

I had a realization this weekend that hit me hard. I realized that I have hit my all time low. I am so far in depression that I cannot pick myself up to even work towards a happier life. I need a push. Looking in the mirror and trying to shop for clothes this weekend was that push. As I looked through the plus size sections of Charlotte Russe and Forever 21, I saw how skewed our society is towards thin women.

I believe all bodies are beautiful. Whether you’re a size 2 or 22, you are beautiful and special in your own unique ways. However, I also believe in living a healthy lifestyle, no matter what that means for the number on the scale. Looking at the selections given in the “Plus” sections of these mainstream stores shows the lack of accommodations made for big girls. They provide the same clothes in the same styles, with no work towards a better fit or more appropriate materials for the body type they are targeting. They simply recreate the same tight-fitting, little black dress and expect it to work for every body type that comes in. To me, that just creates more depression and self-esteem issues among the plus size community.

Yes, many of us want to lose weight to not only be healthy but feel healthy but shouldn’t our society accept us as we are in all of our forms, good or bad? This is something that often baffles me when I think about the world today. That no matter how many times by family and friends tell me that I’m beautiful, I can look online or in a magazine and see that I am not beautiful to the majority of our world.

Plain and simple, it hurts and I want to feel like I’m a part of my world. Maybe being thin isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know all women and men have self-esteem and body image issues that they fight separately every day. I have never doubted that, but looking at our world makes me wonder if, even with all the body positive and #TheseCurves campaigns and movements, will the world ever acknowledge a fat girl in a thin world?

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xo Kimberly Signature

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