Hiatus?

hiatus

hiatus

Well, it seems I’ve hit a dilemma with my life being so busy. I thought, with having so many posts prepared ahead of time, I would be able to keep scheduling¬†posts after those and keep up this semester while I student teach, but that does not seem to be the case. I’m pretty disappointed in myself as this was one of my goals. However, I am not giving up. I still am going to try my best to at least get content to you guys twice a week. I do not want to have my Blogger Spotlights as the only post I publish every single week, so that is why I say twice a week.

I have a lot of posts in mind, I just have not had the time to sit down and write them. I will likely change up my blogging schedule temporarily, or possibly permanently, once I am able to get some time in to do so. I feel like posting as often as I have has really made it hard to come up with original content and stuff that you guys actually want to see. I love writing and I love talking to you guys and I don’t want it to ever feel like a chore.

This being said, I am likely going to be on a hiatus until I get the free time to write for you guys. Recently, my days have been filled with nothing but lesson plans, worksheets, work, and teaching middle schoolers… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I just don’t think I’m ready to give up on Life of Kimberly. Not now, and hopefully not ever.

Love you, guys. ūüíĖ

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Life Update | Anxiety, Depression, & Student Teaching

life update

life update

It’s been awhile since I’ve just sat down and talked to you guys so I thought I’d do a little life update in the midst of all our regularly scheduled programming. So, as most of you know, my major is basically everything to me this past Friday, I had my first day of student teaching. This brought a whirlwind of emotions into my head. Although the day went well and I truly feel that I am going to enjoy this placement as well as my others later in the semester, I am still doubting myself in so many ways. I am a long-time sufferer of anxiety and depression. I have been battling my mental health for as long as I can remember. There have been days that I hardly check my phone and I just sleep the day away because I am so mentally exhausted.

My job is a very socially interactive deal and it takes a lot out of me every shift in order to stay happy, smiling, and provide, in relation to my opinions, the best customer service. It’s weird to actually say to someone, but I really am a very positive and generally happy person. When my anxiety and depression subside, I feel like my best self. I can talk to people all day, I am so confident in my abilities, and I feel like others see my true self. Here lately, those days have been few and far between.

I don’t know if it’s the things that are lingering in my mind or just an overall emotional breakdown, but I am just having a hard time pushing myself to get out of bed every morning. I constantly feel like someone is judging me, talking badly about me, or just trying to hurt me, when I know this isn’t the case. It’s even harder to deal with because these were all things that I confided to my mom about. If you have been around for awhile, you know my mom passed away last September and we are coming up on the one year mark. I honestly think this has the majority to do with my issues here lately.

Although I have some extremely supportive figures in my life, one in particular, that are¬†always¬†there for me whenever I need someone to talk to, I am constantly feeling as though I am a burden. In the back of my mind, I¬†know¬†that this is not true. I know that I am worth more than I think. I know that people care about me. I know that I have people I can talk to, but I still have problems battling that inner voice that tells me, “No, you’re not good enough. No one cares that you’re depressed. No one wants to hear your complaining. No. One. Cares.

In regards to student teaching, I am hoping that, over time, I will have enough confidence in my placements to work past these mental health battles that I am having. The classroom has always been where I am the happiest and where I feel that I shine the most. I¬†love¬†my career choice and wouldn’t change my path for anything in the world, but having my mind makes some days more difficult than others. It is times like these when I go to positive blog posts, quotes, and try my best (sometimes unsuccessfully) to reach out to those who I know will be there.

Here’s a quote that really speaks to me:

She was powerful, not because she wasn’t scared, but because she went on so strongly, despite the fear. – Atticus

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My “Me” Time Activities

me time

Making “me” time is something that I believe is essential to living a stress-free and happy life. If you don’t make time for yourself, how are you supposed to be well enough to make time for others? That being said, there are some things that I truly enjoy doing in order to get in a little “me” time. Whether I get to do these things every day, once a week, or once a month, I always try to make time for myself and I recommend that you all do as well.

me time

#1 Take a hot bath.

This is probably one of my favorite me time activities. I love to put some essential oils in my bathtub or make it all bubbly and just run the hottest water I can stand and soak. I’ll put on some relaxing tunes, light a few candles, and de-stress the day.

#2 Work on my blog!

Most people may not think of this as me time but I sure do. Blogging is something I love doing and I have such a passion for so when I get time to just sit down, work on my blog, and disconnect from everything else, I am a happy camper.

#3 Play video games.

Not that this is something “relaxing” necessarily but it is fun and makes me happy! Lately, I’ve been addicted to playing The Sims 2 again because they finally got it all debugged for Mac and I was able to score the Super Collection online for pretty cheap.

#4 Play with makeup.

When I want to cheer myself up, I’ll normally play with my makeup. Whether that’s work on swatching new products and taking photos or just doing a full face glam on myself for no reason, it makes me happy and that is the whole point.

#5 Play with my animals.

I have two cats and a puppy and they make the happiest animal mama around. They all are so adorable and loving. My puppy, Blaze, loves to play and give kisses and my biggest kitty, Chase, loves head scratches and cuddles. The little girl of the family, Lily, isn’t much for cuddles but she will allow the occasionally petting every now and then.

These are just some of the things that I enjoy doing to escape from the outside world of drama and despair. (I know, I’m dramatic.) What are some of your favorite things to do when you are trying to have some “me” time? Let me know in the comments below.

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Tea Time Chit-Chat #3

tea time chit chat

tea time chit chat

Tea time chit chat did not get forgotten! I have had some crazy changes going on and life, in general, has decided to field goal hit me right in the face. However, through the negatives, I have finally found another job that I feel like will really work with my upcoming student teaching. I am super excited to be leaving the fast food life behind and moving into something with more opportunities and better pay (’cause we all know that this is¬†real¬†nice).

I think this is probably the first cup of tea I’ve had since I moved into my new apartment (apartment tour post???). I have so much to do still and the amount of pain that has taken over my body here lately has not agreed with this whole “moving” process. Apparently cleaning, organizing, unpacking, and moving in ways I don’t normally move is not the best thing to just throw yourself into… who knew? Thankfully, I have awesome friends and family that have been helping me through it.

Most of what feels like emptiness is just where I really need to get my pictures, canvases, and overall decor back up. It makes my apartment a little more… me. I have been having this weird empty feeling here lately that doesn’t quite meet depression but not quite something else. I just feel like something is missing and I really need to take a few mental health days to myself to recuperate before my seminars begin in August.

Other than life having a dance party on my head, I think I am making it just fine. I’m alive, my bills are paid, and those I love are taken care of. I honestly just wanted to come and talk to you guys… getting it all out seems to make me feel better (although I may be slightly insane for thinking you guys actually¬†listen).

Everyone has little bumps in the road, it’s up to you whether you suffer in silence or enjoy the ride.

xo Kimberly Signature

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New Home, New Start

my cat Lily

I’ve got some news for you all! I am now moving into a one-bedroom apartment, on my own. I have never completely alone before so this is going to be a new adventure for me. I am super excited to finally just have a place to myself to do what I’d like but also very nervous. The only reason I’ve always had a roommate is that¬†I get a lot of anxiety being alone in “unprotected” places, I guess you would call it. Since we don’t have security or anything other than the lock on my door for my apartment, it’s weird being here alone. It’s kind of nerve-wracking.

moving out

However, I think I can do it! The plan is to move over on June 30th (yes, only a little over 13 days away). I have not even begun packing and I’m not even sure of where to start. I need to get boxes, organize stuff, get rid of things I don’t use, and clean my place. A friend of mine is actually taking over my two-bedroom, which is why I was able to get the one-bedroom. Being without a roommate, it was nonsense to have a two-bedroom just for me. I will now have my only little corner and it won’t be too incredibly expensive.

my cat Lily

Thankfully my brother, nephew, and one of my brother’s friends are going to help me move everything over once the day comes. It’s so hot here in Kentucky so I am really hoping for a cool day whenever we have to do all of that (probably not going to happen). I am very grateful that this is happening a month before student teaching because I don’t think I’d be able to do that and this at the same time. Any of you got big things going on soon? Moving? Got a new pet? New job? Update me in the comments!

xo Kimberly Signature

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Tea Time Chit-Chat #1

tea time 1

I thought this would be a good little series to start to keep me from feeling too stressed when writing on the blog. I feel like I sometimes it felt as though I was writing content because I thought it was what others wanted to read rather than what I wanted to write about, but my blog is for me and it started with the intent of helping me with my anxiety and depression. So, I’m going to use it as just that and start a daily, every other day, or whenever I feel like it tea time chit-chat post. I’ll number them off and hopefully get something going where I can have myself¬†and¬†readers looking forward to it.

tea time 1

So, as I sip my tea, I hear my pup chewing on his “log” — yes it is a log, not a stick — and the rain falling slowly outside, I’m thinking of the day ahead. I was supposed to go to work at 7:30 this morning but someone has quit in the night shift and I was already double scheduled, accidentally wrote down for a morning and closing shift, so they sent me back and said to come in for the night shift instead. A little salty because I was already there, awake, dressed, and now I feel dog tired but don’t really want to sleep the day away… and I know that is exactly what I would do if I went back to sleep right now. Might have a wee nap later to keep me awake during my closing shift, since we’ve started on summer hours and don’t close until 11 p.m. on normal weekdays now.

I need to go to the post office and get my package that has been sitting there since the day after I left for Ireland (yes, I realize I’m awful at procrastinating and forgetting things). I’ll probably try to pop over there and get that today. I¬†did¬†manage to adult somewhat today and dropped off my rent in the drop box for my landlord — though today was the last day that it was able to be turned in (I know, I know — I’m awful).

Honestly, I am really hoping for a more positive and less anxiety-driven day today. It seems like every day has been so draining for me here lately and I hate that. I am tired by eight at night and ready to just sleep for 10+ hours. That’s not something I need to get into the habit of. I got my letter about student teaching seminar a couple days ago so I am getting more and more excited about student teaching. It’s only 66 days, 22 hours, and 29 some-odd minutes away until I will be in the classroom on my very first day. I have so much planning and shopping to do! I need more professional clothing because I will have to do laundry waaay too often if I just stick to what I have now. I need more slacks specifically. Although dresses are cute, I’m not always in a dressy mood.

Well, I guess that’s enough rambling for today. (Also, let me know what you think of the blog photo because it’s actually mine today. I wanted to capture the rainy day with my cup of tea!)

xo Kimberly Signature

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6 Things That Really Grind My Gears

grinds my gears

Can’t be positive all the time, can ya? Just figured I’d rant about life in general to you guys since this seems to be the best form of therapy that I could ever ask for (and whaddayaknow… it’s free!). Life is too short to be wasting my life away on people, things, and actions that aren’t going to help better me in the end. You wanna know what really grinds my gears?

grinds my gears

  1. Slow drivers in pretty weather. I can be pretty patient with bad/slow drivers if the weather is gross, thunder-y, stormy, and just overall bleh. I cannot however be okay with someone who drives ridiculously slow whenever there is no reason to do so. What’s going on? Did you forget the speed limit? Could you not see it? Do we need to go to the eye doctor together? Come on, I’ll hold your hand. Honestly, I would love to help out all these awesome people reach their full potential in the area of automotive control.
  2. People who follow the majority. Not saying that just because you believe the same thing as a large group of others that this applies to you. No. I mean those that follow the majority because they don’t care nor do they understand anything to do with said situation and just choose to jump on the bandwagon and take a little spin around the park. This is just too much for me.
  3. Drama. I would say a specific type but it seems all types are drifting into my shores here lately. I. do. not. care. Please leave me out of your petty, high school drama. I graduate college in December, I live on my own, and I take care of myself and my animals. I have no time nor energy to deal with fake people, whether it be friends, family, or complete strangers.
  4. Talking down to someone when you’re the problem. Just yesterday, I heard a woman talking mad crap about my tattoo shop. Granted, I am biased and I am not familiar with the participate place I was at (was with a friend to get her tongue pierced), but why was that necessary? Do you think that it makes the other shop feel all warm and fuzzy that the other place wasn’t your cup of tea and that they are everything but nice? Not to mention that it was hilarious when I went to schedule my next tattoo and the guy knew exactly who I was talking about and said she was mad because she drove from another city to come in, without an appointment, and they couldn’t fit her in at that moment so she was salty.
  5. Humid heat. Why, oh why, is this a thing? Like, dry heat I can handle. No problem. Beautiful. Let me lay in it all day. Humid heat? Hit me upside the head with a sledgehammer because I am dead. It makes me feel disgusting. Nevermind what is does to my hair, makeup, and how badly I smell when I start sweating after being outside for the five minutes it takes to let my dog go potty. Imagine a whole day out there? Bless outdoor workers (like my brother and uncle).
  6. When my nails break. Do you know how annoying it is when my nails break? You see, I’m OCD. Like in all sense of the meaning. I cannot just let my nails sit there with one oddball looking one. I have to try to make them look even and presentable… even if I don’t have a nail file, nail clippers, or anything to groom them with. This means, yes, I will bite at them, tear them on with my fingers, and do whatever I can to make those puppies look normal again.

What grinds your gears, gets you going, and just overall could ruin your good mood? Let me know in the comments.

xo Kimberly Signature

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Lost Without You

lost

I’m so lost without you.

lost

This is exactly how I am feeling. It’s been eight months, two weeks, and one day since I last saw you. This emotional rollercoaster of mine is about to derail. I just keep seeing her beautiful face and remembering her comforting voice. It feels so good and so terrifying all at the same time, like the adrenaline you get from going up on that rollercoaster.

After one month, I didn’t know if I’d ever be okay. My world was spiraling and I still tried to pick up my phone to text and call her whenever I needed her. My family would ask if I was okay and I’d just give a fake smile and say, “I’m trying to be.” I can’t¬†express how hard it is to feel this distant from those that I love the move.

After three months, it was her birthday. It was the Christmas celebration without her. It was starting a new year soon, knowing that I would never get to wish her a Happy New Year ever again. I could only hope she was three margaritas deep in afterlife paradise and telling me to, “Smile, baby girl.”

After six months, I felt like maybe it would get easier. I was still depressed and worried and crying a lot, but I didn’t wake up every morning feeling as though it was a bad dream. Realizing it wasn’t just a dream was probably the worst way to deal with the pain. I wanted to forget. I wanted to heal. I wanted her to come back and be by my side. We all know that isn’t possible.

Now, heading towards the ninth month, I don’t know that I feel any better. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t control my own emotions. I never had a handle on them but now it’s just out of control. I try to wake up from this nightmare and I keep getting reminded that it is reality. This is my reality. Without her.

I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay again. They say that there is sacredness in tears. I don’t know how to feel about this. Crying has always made me feel weak, but it’s supposed to make me strong. My tears are supposed to speak, but I hear no words. Tears show that there was once happiness, but I have to wonder… will I ever find that happiness again?

xo Kimberly Signature

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A fat girl living in a thin world

a fat girl living in a thin world

a fat girl living in a thin world

You know, I’ve always wanted to be like the pretty girls. Thin, petite, beautiful… the whole works. I wanted to feel like I fit into today’s societal norms. I have never been a small girl. Even as a kid, I grew up with a little extra always weighing on me. I was always made fun of for being “fat” in school. Once I started having problems finding clothes in all the mainstream stores, it became apparent that I was different. I wasn’t like my friends who were sizes 2 and 4 and could easily wear any medium shirt you handed them. I had to get an extra large to be comfortable and I hated the feeling of not being able to get something because they didn’t carry it in my size. Now, being a size 24, I feel like a complete failure.

I feel like I have failed myself and my body. The body that I was blessed with is now a symbol of my doubt in my abilities and of the lack of effort I’ve put into my health. Yes, I have a lot of factors working against myself but I don’t exactly eat and perform how I should in order to be at a healthy weight for myself. I should be around 130 pounds for someone my age and height. Being over twice that is something I never thought I’d ever be dealing with.

Most days, I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I feel disgusted with the horror that I have created. Between giving in to my addiction of food, depression, and lack of self-control, I have never given my body the treatment it deserves. There are times when I try to eat healthier, exercise regularly, and maintain a healthy lifestyle… but then I get discouraged by the tiniest thing and I’m right back at step one.

I had a realization this weekend that hit me hard. I realized that I have hit my all time low. I am so far in depression that I cannot pick myself up to even work towards a happier life. I need a push. Looking in the mirror and trying to shop for clothes this weekend was that push. As I looked through the plus size sections of Charlotte Russe and Forever 21, I saw how skewed our society is towards thin women.

I believe all bodies are beautiful. Whether you’re a size 2 or 22, you are beautiful and special in your own unique ways. However, I also believe in living a healthy lifestyle, no matter what that means for the number on the scale. Looking at the selections given in the “Plus” sections of these mainstream stores shows the lack of accommodations made for big girls. They provide the same clothes in the same styles, with no work towards a better fit or more appropriate materials for the body type they are targeting. They simply recreate the same tight-fitting, little black dress and expect it to work for every body type that comes in. To me, that just creates more depression and self-esteem issues among the plus size community.

Yes, many of us want to lose weight to not only be healthy but feel healthy but shouldn’t our society accept us as we are in all of our forms, good or bad? This is something that often baffles me when I think about the world today. That no matter how many times by family and friends tell me that I’m beautiful, I can look online or in a magazine and see that I am not beautiful to the majority of our world.

Plain and simple, it hurts and I want to feel like I’m a part of my world. Maybe being thin isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know all women and men have self-esteem and body image issues that they fight separately every day. I have never doubted that, but looking at our world makes me wonder if, even with all the body positive and #TheseCurves campaigns and movements, will the world ever acknowledge a fat girl in a thin world?

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a fat girl living in a thin world pinterest image

xo Kimberly Signature

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The Fun Questions Tag

the fun questions tag

Since it’s been awhile without me really sharing things about myself, I figured I’d do the fun questions tag and allow you guys to get to know me a little better. I’m not tagging anyone so feel free to do this on your own blog and maybe we can do a link up? ūüėČ

1) When is your birthday? (You don’t have to include the year if you don’t want to.)

May 23rd!

2) What are 3 of your favorite colors?

Chartreuse, purple, and turquoise.

3) What are your 3 favorites quotes?

I don’t know that I have favorite quotes because I love so many but here are some that appeal to me!
Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.¬†– Marilyn Monroe
We must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy. – Albus Dumbledore (J.K. Rowling)
In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take. – Unknown

4) Are you addicted to YouTube?

I mean… define “addicted”…?

5) What are 3 of your favorite shows on TV or YouTube or both?

My Mad Fat Diary
American Horror Story
Gossip Girl

6) What are 3 qualities you like in a best friend?

Kind, funny, and loyal!

7) Do you like your name?

I don’t mind it? I was kind of given it at birth, ya know.

8) If you have the choice to pick your own name, what will it be?

Hmm.. I’m not really sure I’ve thought about this. Maybe Dahlia or Aurora? Something boho-y and natural.

9) What is your fantasy dream?

To be a witch at¬†Ilvermorny.¬†ūüėć

10) Do you wear makeup?

Yes, pretty much daily.

11) If you could write a book, what would the title be and what would it be about?

Probably something supernatural or magic related. Maybe… “I’m a Witch?” because my life is constantly a series of questionable occurrences and acts.

12) What makes you cry?

Any pain to animals or people I love (or myself), sad movies, sad books, sad ANYTHING… I’m an emotional rollercoaster.

13) What makes you angry?

Ignorance, purposeful stupidity, being rude, being prejudice, etc. The usual for most decent human beings.

14) What makes you happy?

Animals, Harry Potter, music, my family, my friends, my boyfriend, Asian food, chocolate… I could go on.

15) What is “Fangirling?”

When one obsesses over something, normally a TV show or book series, to the point of almost total consumption.

16) What are your 3 favorites snacks?

Chocolate, fruit, and bread.

17) What are your 3 favorite foods?

Asian food, chicken, and Mexican food.

18) What are your 3 favorite drinks?

Ice cold water, coffee, and hot tea.

19) Can you tell us a little about yourself?

Well, my name is Kimberly. I am twenty-one years old and I’m a senior in college. I am studying to be a special education teacher, preferably at the elementary level. I live in Kentucky and work at Sonic Drive-In. I am in a relationship and we have two cats and his bird (who is older than him!).

20) What are 10 random facts about you?

1. I’m weirdly obsessed with playing Township.
2. Cats are my favorite animals but I love all animals.
3. I really want my apartment to be Pinterest-worthy.
4. I am going to Ireland this May!
5. I am getting a new puppy soon (pictures and a full post coming!).
6. I am a member of the Epsilon Omicron chapter of Alpha Delta Pi.
7. I’ve never learned to play an instrument.
8. I currently have four books I am in the middle of reading.
9. I am a heart patient.
10. I want to have five children (but my nieces and nephews are slowly making that number dwindle).

21) What are your 3 fun things to do?

1. Play video games.
2. Do makeup, play with makeup, have… makeup.
3. Play with cats.

I hope you guys learned a little more about me and had fun doing it. I try to be somewhat comical in these posts but y’all know¬†I’m just a cheesy little nerd. Love you guys!

xo Kimberly Signature

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