Lost Without You

lost

I’m so lost without you.

lost

This is exactly how I am feeling. It’s been eight months, two weeks, and one day since I last saw you. This emotional rollercoaster of mine is about to derail. I just keep seeing her beautiful face and remembering her comforting voice. It feels so good and so terrifying all at the same time, like the adrenaline you get from going up on that rollercoaster.

After one month, I didn’t know if I’d ever be okay. My world was spiraling and I still tried to pick up my phone to text and call her whenever I needed her. My family would ask if I was okay and I’d just give a fake smile and say, “I’m trying to be.” I can’t express how hard it is to feel this distant from those that I love the move.

After three months, it was her birthday. It was the Christmas celebration without her. It was starting a new year soon, knowing that I would never get to wish her a Happy New Year ever again. I could only hope she was three margaritas deep in afterlife paradise and telling me to, “Smile, baby girl.”

After six months, I felt like maybe it would get easier. I was still depressed and worried and crying a lot, but I didn’t wake up every morning feeling as though it was a bad dream. Realizing it wasn’t just a dream was probably the worst way to deal with the pain. I wanted to forget. I wanted to heal. I wanted her to come back and be by my side. We all know that isn’t possible.

Now, heading towards the ninth month, I don’t know that I feel any better. I feel weak. I feel like I can’t control my own emotions. I never had a handle on them but now it’s just out of control. I try to wake up from this nightmare and I keep getting reminded that it is reality. This is my reality. Without her.

I don’t know that I’ll ever be okay again. They say that there is sacredness in tears. I don’t know how to feel about this. Crying has always made me feel weak, but it’s supposed to make me strong. My tears are supposed to speak, but I hear no words. Tears show that there was once happiness, but I have to wonder… will I ever find that happiness again?

xo Kimberly Signature

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Blogmas Day 1 | Happy Birthday, Mom.

happy birthday mom

Although I have not talked about it on my blog, I have mentioned it on my social media. My mom, who was my best friend and my biggest inspiration, passed away on September 21st of this year. She was in surgery in order to better her lifestyle. The surgery went great but something happened in the recovery period and she did not make it. I still do not think I have truly come to terms with this tragedy. The relationship I had with my mom was like no other. She made me feel whole. I could tell her anything and she would answer as a friend and a mom but never held back her feelings about whatever it was. She was truly the ideal mother and all I could have ever wanted in a parent.

Since my birth father was not around for my childhood, she was all I had. She was the mom, the dad, the best friend, the shoulder to cry on, and so much more. We were always really close but once I moved to what I now consider my “hometown”, we became so much closer. She became what I aspired to be as a human being. She was the ideal worker, mother, friend, grandmother, and just perfect. Perfect in my eyes and in so many others. The amount of sadness that has been bestowed upon my life and my loved one’s lives has been massive. She was a huge part of our everyday lives and we are missing a big part of ourselves without her.

Today is her birthday. She would have been 47 years old today. She was so young, so gentle, and so kind. She had so much left to live for. She was about to graduate with a Bachelors in Business Administration, she was going to begin her ultimate weight loss surgery and live a healthier lifestyle, and she was going to do things that she always dreamed of! I was and still am so proud of her progress before she passed.

Some people say that “dwelling” on someone passing away is not healthy. Although I do get very upset when I realize I can’t call my mom and tell her I love her or complain about how much homework I have, I don’t consider my talking of her in this way dwelling on her being gone. I consider it admiring her life. She was the epitome of perfect in my eyes and, although there were many things she wanted to change, I love her just the way she was. She made life worth living and a smile worth showing.

I cannot explain how lost I feel without her, but she deserves to know, all the way up there, that we all are still thinking about her. We’re going to celebrate her birthday as if she never left us and hope she’ll stop by for a visit during the party. ❤️

I love you, Momma. I miss you so much.

R.I.P. Christina Anne Muso
December 1st, 1968 – September 21st, 2016

xo Kimberly Signature

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